Grab-Bag from my readings

"But for some families, couples, and groups of friends, eating has become a relational crutch."
- Eating the Moment, Dr. Pavel G. Somov

I really related to this quote because I can't remember the last time I did something social that didn't involve eating of some sort (not that there are all that many social occasions to choose from recently). I began to take stock and realized that about 80% of my non-work-related interactions with my co-workers involve food, and probably even more than that in my family. Every holiday is centered around a meal (or sometimes a game, although as I'm not a sports fan, my focus is still on the food, either way), when we want to hang out we go out to eat and I even find myself scrounging for gum when sitting in the office talking with my teammates.

Learning Curve

Had a good day today. I actually stuck to my eating plans today, which was nice. I did discover at lunch, however, that what I'd planned to eat was still too much and when I finished I was overly full. In the past, this would be a trigger for guilt and self-recriminations, but instead, I've chosen to take it as a learning experience. My body and mind are not used to normal portions and the normal "full" feeling, so I am still learning.

Next time I will do better.

Something in particular I was proud of: I left food on my plate when I didn't want it!

For years, I've been told to clean my plate and not waste food, which results in me eating a lot of things that I don't want or need. I would even develop strategies to eat the "least liked" food first and then save the best parts for last. Today, I decided that I didn't need the extra food, so I left the things that I didn't really like and just ate what I wanted.

Seems simple, but these things are huge for me! \o/

At a party

I'm at a friend's birthday party. Lots of food here. I was doing well until they busted out with the ice cream: Dutch chocolate Ice cream.

I've escaped to the porch (and away from temptation).


[ETA: Escaped the party having eaten only one plate of food - no cake and ice cream! Yay for me!]

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The scale

308.6

Yes, really. That's what the scale told me this morning. I don't really know what to feel about that. I want to be horrified, disgusted and ashamed, but mostly I feel numb. I've felt helpless about my weight for so long that looking at the scale is like watching a tv screen - I can do nothing but watch and fantasize about making things different in my head.

So I've got to turn it over. No more diets, no more half-hearted exercise regimens. I'm throwing myself on the mercy of those who've been here before, on my friends and my family and the one who created me.

I simply cannot do this alone. My will, my desire and my strength are not enough.

At the same time, however, I have to keep telling myself that the scale is not the final judge of my value as a person. That the ache in my knees does nothing to erase my compassion, that my ever-tightening pants do not take away from my sense of humor, and that my shortness of breath does not mean I don't have a life worth living.

I am smart. I am compassionate. I love animals and I cry when a child is hurting. I am creative. I am kind and hopeful and want to make the world a better place.

I am more than a number.


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I'm pretty sure this was a bad food day...

"The environment demands that we eat now. And we mindlessly oblige. When we let the environment decide when we should eat, we are, in a sense, surrendering the sovereignty of our conscious choice over eating as well as our common sense."
- On Environmental Triggers, from Eating the Moment


Since I pretty much have very little clue about what to do to deal with my COE (compulsive over-eating), I've decided to consult a number of sources and combine for an eclectic approach. I've been reading Eating the Moment by Pavel G Somov, which is about mindfulness and eating. My reading today was about environmental triggers, and boy, did I relate to this.

Isolation

It seems I've found my first trigger: being alone and/or isolated.

This really sucks since I'm pretty much a loner-type person and much enjoy my own company to others.

It's my late day at work, so I've been spending the morning resting and relaxing - reading, watching TV, cuddling with my furry babies - and I can't stop thinking about getting up and going to the refrigerator and having a bite of something.

I ate breakfast about 2 hours ago, and I'm not really hungry, but there's this empty gnawing sensation in my gut and I feel anxious and antsy and unsettled. I keep getting up to walk into the kitchen, sometimes going so far as opening the refrigerator door, but then I close it and come sit back down and that gnawing feeling starts all over again.

Right now, I almost want to scream or cry or flail about, because I'm full of something and I don't know how to let it out.

Diary of a Food Addict

I am a compulsive overeater. I've known this my whole life, but have only recently come to the conclusion that this is a true addiction and that I am utterly out of control.

Pretty much since puberty I've been a little on the heavy side, and I've slowly been ballooning, since. I've tried diet and exercise and although I've had some success, I've never been able to make any lasting changes. I've attempted to set limits, saying "As long as I'm under 220lbs, I'll be okay". And of course, I blew right past that. And then it was 250, then 300.

I'm thirty years old and I move like an old woman. I have trouble getting up off the floor and I nearly constantly worry about my joints. I have high blood pressure and depression and have irregular menstrual periods due to my size. I have chronic back pain. I get embarrassed when trying to squeeze between tables at a restaurant or sit in a stadium seat that cuts into my sides. I take over $100 (my cost) of medications monthly to deal with side effects of my weight.

I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I'm depressed.

And I don't want to die from this addiction.

So I'm doing something about this.

Yesterday, I attended my first recovery meeting. Today, I connected with a fellow food addict, one on one.

And even as I type, I'm battling the urge to go raid the refrigerator for a "midnight snack".